As described in my book, IOU Life Leadership, Life Anchor 8 of The 12 Essential Life Anchors is Practice Positive Communication. Listening is a critical dimension discussed in Anchor 8, Practice Positive Communication. Being aware of the listening level you are practicing is critical in building trust in all your relationships.
There are 4 Levels of Listening:
1 – WholeHearted Listening
2 – HalfHearted Listening
3 – Reply Listening
4 – Distracted Listening
Let’s first review each level and then pose some questions to help you reflect upon what level you practice most and if you differentiate your listening level based on particular situations.
Level 1 – Wholehearted Listening is listening to others and processing in your heart and mind what another person is saying, and for you to try to understand them completely with your “whole” heart. WholeHearted Listening lets the other person know that you understand what they are feeling and trying to communicate to you. You assure the other person that you are emphatically listening with your whole body, eyes, ears, mind, and heart. Wholehearted Listening is a mindset of listening through your heart first then processing in your mind.
At this level, your whole heart and mind try to understand the other person. You neither agree nor disagree with what is being said but seek to understand from the speaker’s perspective.
Grasping the speaker’s perspective might be difficult, especially if it differs from yours. However, this must not stop you from listening deeply with your whole heart. It will help if you first calm yourself down and prepare to listen. If you are “hyped up,” anxious, or distracted, you are not going to be a WholeHearted Listener. It is also important to pay attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues from the speaker.
In most conversations, Wholehearted Listening is imperative. This is particularly important in High-intensity emotional conversations but is equally important in Average or “typical” conversations. The difference between the two lies in how you respond after Wholeheartedly Listening.
High-intensity emotional conversations arise when at least one person in a conversation is angry, sad, upset, afraid or extremely passionate about something. When you are speaking to a person who is in a High-intensity emotional state, it’s imperative that you focus on Wholehearted Listening.
WholeHearted Listening has a tool to help and guide you through a High-intensity emotional conversation. The WholeHearted tool has 4 stages. In High-intensity emotional conversations, you will mostly stay in the first three.
Stage 1 – Listen
Stage 2 – Process
Stage 3 – Reflect Back
Stage 4 – Respond Back
(Stage 1) Listen – The listening should go through your heart first, then to your mind to (Stage 2) Process what you hear, feel, and see from the other person. Then at times you should go to (Stage 3) Reflect Back (RB) what you think the other person is trying to communicate.
During the Reflect Back (RB) (Stage 3) use clarifying statements to confirm that you understand and are reflecting back the speaker’s intentions. Clarifying statements may include:
* What I’m hearing is . . .
* It sounds like you . . .
* It seems that you . . .
* So, you are . . .
* You seem . . . (use an adjective) . . . frustrated, angry, confused, thrilled, nervous, scared, happy, etc.
If you find your mind beginning to wander, remind yourself of Stages 1 and 2, Listen-Process (LP). Keep “LP”ing, and at times Reflect Back (RB) what your understanding of the other person’s feeling and thoughts to confirm that you are Wholeheartedly understanding them. This is empathic listening. LP… LP… LP… then RB Reflect Back is Wholehearted Listening during High-intensity emotional conversations. Only when the other person feels they are understood is when you can give your advice or your opinions in what we call the “Respond Back” Stage 4.
As you are going through Stages 1 and 2, Listening and Processing what the other person is saying, you have a choice; you can either go to Stage 3-Reflect back or go to Stage 4-Respond Back. Stage 4 – Respond Back is when you share your thoughts, opinions, point of views, and perceptions. During a High-intensity emotional conversation, when the other person is very upset you should limit the Respond Back talk. The other person needs time to calm their emotions and they need to know you understand them and that you are there for and with them. Before you Respond Back with advice, you need to make sure they are ready. In a High-intensity emotional conversation you may not even Respond Back at all. The other person may just need you there to listen.
Stage 4 – Respond Back talk is used much more often during average or typical conversations that are not characterized by high emotions. During Average or “typical” conversations you should be Listening-Processing, Reflecting Back or Responding Back with your opinions, point of views and beliefs. This model will support Practicing Positive Communication (Life Anchor 8) that will build healthy trusting relationships.
As St. Francis of Assisi said, “Listen first to understand, then to be understood.”
The “Listen first to understand” in St. Francis’s quote is stages 1, 2, and 3, Listen-Process-Reflect Back. The last part of the quote which is, “then to be understood,” is stage 4, the Respond Back stage.
Stages 1 and 2, Listen-Process should be cemented in your mind when you are interacting with others. Then you either Reflect Back (Stage 3) to make sure that you understand what the other person is saying or Respond Back (Stage 4) with your thoughts. This tool for Wholehearted Listening is a powerful and simple guide for your conversations. Just remember… LP, LP, LP, LP… then either go to Stage 3 or 4, Reflect Back or Respond Back. You will be amazed by the reaction from the other person when you just Reflect Back what they are saying. They will feel valued, not judged, and it will help the other person to begin to become calmer and feel supported. Try it in your next conversation and you will notice a difference in the other person’s demeanor but more importantly it will build trust at the highest level with them.
Another way to remember the WholeHearted Tool is using the shorthand: LP to RB2. LP is Listen-Process and RB2 is to remind you that there are “2” ways for you to communicate back to others, either Reflect Back or Respond Back.
If you are a visual person, like me, review the WholeHearted tool with the following visual:
Stages 1 & 2 – LP which stands for Listen-Process
Stages 3 & 4 – RB2 which stands for Reflect-Back or Respond Back
Obviously, we do not always use WholeHearted Listening, although this may be our goal. The following are the other less effective listening levels.
Level 2 – HalfHearted Listening is trying to understand what the other person is saying, but instead of deep listening, you evaluate, judge, and draw conclusions based on their comments. When you are HalfHearted Listening you listen then respond with little to no processing of what the other person is trying to communicate. HalfHearted Listening is passive, and it seems when you are listening at this level you always have one foot out — out of the relationship, the work, the team, etc. HalfHearted Listening does not produce half trust, it produces no trust in your relationships.
Level 3 – Reply Listening is when you are only slightly paying attention to what the other person is saying and hear enough to get the gist of the person’s thoughts but are only listening to give a reply. You have formulated your response and are waiting for the opportunity to speak. In fact, you are waiting for a period, a comma, or a breath from the other person to jump in with your thoughts. Reply Listening is when you think that listening equals waiting for your next chance to speak. As the other person is speaking, in your mind you are thinking about the next thing you’re going to say. Stephen Covey stated that “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Level 4 – Distracted Listening is when you are not really listening, but only pretending to listen while you are thinking of something unrelated to what the other person is saying. To make it appear as though you are listening, you make a few replies, such as: “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” or “Right.”
So now… questions:
– What level of listening do you feel you are at most of the time?
– What level do you feel others are at when they listen to you?
– How often do you practice the WholeHearted Level of listening?
– Have you ever practiced WholeHearted Listening?
– Do you think there are times when Reply and Distracted Listening are appropriate?
– What do you need to do to improve your WholeHearted Listening?
– The last time when someone spoke to you and was in a high emotional state, what listening level did you practice?
I’m sure we all can immediately relate to HalfHearted, Reply, and Distracted Listening. You will probably find yourself in these levels at some point today! I know I will! However Wholehearted Listening is a model I’m always reminding myself of and striving for. By engaging in HalfHearted, Reply and Distracted Listening levels we are status quo and not building on the trust in our relationships. Less effective listening can even damage our relationships. The importance of focusing on the power of Wholehearted Listening is clear, especially when a loved one, close friend, or colleague comes to you very upset in a High-intensity emotional state and needs to be listened to and understood. When you practice WholeHearted Listening you will be amazed at the results in reducing the overall intensity of the moment, and most importantly you will build trust in your relationship. It takes practice and you must intentionally think through the Wholehearted stages. Next time a person comes to you with high emotions, remember to Listen-Process and Reflect Back and only when the other person is ready.
Wholehearted Listening will build trust and respect in your relationships, enable the other person to release their emotions, reduce tensions, and create a safe environment that is conducive to collaborative problem solving. Wholehearted Listening is not easy, but aren’t your most important life relationships worth it?
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